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Culture: Single and Ready to Swipe?
/ July 13, 2015
Single And Ready To Swipe?: How Christian Ethics Can Shape Our Approach To Online Dating
by Karen Tong
Are you single and entertaining the idea of downloading the Tinder app, or signing up for eHarmony? You’re probably not alone.
“Part of the reason I entertained the possibility of online dating,” Justine Toh says, “was that I, and I suspect many young women find themselves in this situation today, was going to a church where your female to male population is in the ratio of about ten to one.”
Justine is a Senior Research Fellow at the Centre for Public Christianity, and her work focuses on the intersection of Christian faith and popular culture. So, not only has Justine tried online dating, she’s interested in it from a research perspective as it’s fast becoming a fixture in contemporary culture and Christians are among those using it to find their future husband or wife.
RSVP reports 64 per cent of single Australians have either used online dating or would consider using it; eHarmony claims they’re responsible for more than 11,000 Australian marriages; and Tinder boasts an estimated 50 million users worldwide. Christians are very much a part of the online dating community.
Paul*, a pharmacist, and Jess*, an aid worker, met online. They’re both committed Christians and serving in ministry at their respective churches. “To then go church hopping to try and find someone – it just didn’t sit right with either of us,” says Jess. This was one of the reasons why she decided to give online dating a go. The fact that she went to her “fifth wedding of couples that had met online”, was another.
Paul had a more pragmatic perspective. At his church, most women his age had partners, and other singles were either too young or too old. Online dating was simply another way to meet new people. “It became acceptable and there was less of a stigma,” he says. “I think there still is a stigma in some people’s eyes, but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.”
But for the single Christian thinking about giving it a go, it’s also important to consider the habits and values online dating promotes. “I’m a big believer that you can find some lasting, great connections,” Justine says. Paul and Jess, along with many other Australian couples, prove that this is true. But she also admits, “I can’t say that I’m a fan of the model”.
Justine suggests that if you decide to enter the world of online dating, “having that story of what God has done for you and Christ in the background is quite important.”
1. It’s not all about you.
If the Christian ethic of love is outward-focussed, online dating has a tendency to reverse this. “It encourages us to have reflected back at ourselves what we want in someone else rather than the other person in all their mystery, in all their magnificence,” Justine says.
“If we are trying to have the kinds of love that is all about the other person, online dating may in fact be trying to get us to find a person who satisfies our needs – but as if our needs are the only deciding factors in a relationship.”
2. Beware the inner judge.
Think about some of the snap judgments you’ve made. She looks great. He’s gorgeous. She has too much makeup on. He is way too short. Snap judgments embrace a false dichotomy – ‘accept or reject’ – leaving little room for curiosity or compassion, and ultimately, love.
Using Tinder’s swipe model as an example, Justine says, “It’s very easy to stop remembering that this is a person who’s made in the image of God and just to say to this person, nope, move on, swipe, swipe, swipe.”
Justine remembers an online suitor with the name ‘mercedes4eva’. Her reaction? “Honey, I can tell you just based on that, this isn’t going to work.” Reflecting on that interaction, she admits, “It probably means that I should’ve been kinder to the mercedes4eva guy.”
3. Love involves vulnerability.
As much as online dating involves ‘putting yourself out there’, it also creates a safety net that removes the risk and vulnerability of meeting someone in person.
“If we are safely ensconced in our little cocoons in front of our computer screens choosing what to send out and what to accept through the impenetrable barrier of a screen, then sure we’re protecting ourselves from being hurt,” Justine says. “But we may also be protecting ourselves from love.”
4. It’s not for everyone.
Justine says her 20s are full of “furious” attempts to meet someone new. “I tried online dating, I tried Christian speed dating, I thought who can I ask, who are the married guys at Church who go to College, and do they know anyone who goes to College,” she says.
Then, she met her husband at work. Farewell drinks with colleagues – he was leaving for a short term missions trip to India – turned into dinner with just the two of them, and their relationship grew from there.
“On paper, maybe I wouldn’t have looked twice at him,” she says, “but so different in the flesh … and a much better match for me than anyone I could’ve met online, I’m sure.”
A few years later, she’s married and is a proud mum to her one-year-old son. “I think what I learned from that is that we try, try, try, and I tried, tried, tried, but efforts didn’t amount to anything – it was all God doing everything.”
5. But sometimes, it works.
Paul says he was the one who reached out to Jess after seeing her profile. “I wanted someone who demonstrated that they actually loved God,” he says, “Jess was the only one that actually mentioned God in her profile and talked about Him.”
After a few online exchanges, they met for their first date – it went for six hours. He says “it was like two friends getting to know each other,” and she says their conversation “didn’t feel like it was laborious or stiff or formal”.
For Paul and Jess, online dating is how they met. But they’re quick to give credit to God for the relationship that has developed since then.
“It wasn’t because we chose online dating over another form of dating,” Jess says, “It’s not the solution. God is the solution. He knows your heart, He knows who you are, He knows how He created you, and He knows the perfect person to complement you.”
*Paul and Jess have requested for their last names not to be used in this story
