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Blog: Re-thinking Valentine’s Day
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I am 100% a thinker.
I definitely act, but out of creative curiousity. Purposeful intention. When I start something, mostly it’s because I have faith that it’s the beginning of something else. With relationships, any chance to catch up and hang – tea and cake, beaches and basketball – all run into the deeper responsibility we have to propel one other into God’s perfect will for our lives.
The danger here though, is that despite ‘the best of Christian intent’, you can become so entwined with ‘the purpose’ you lose the simplicity. Around Valentine’s Day, that can look like a whole lot ‘o ugly, with the first hottie you meet becoming your husband, soul-mate, and ‘God’s anointed leader for your future household’ all within 15 seconds.
…so what should you do? Forgo spiritual purpose for superficial pleasure?
I don’t think so.
I think we need to re-establish our understanding of the ‘end game’ of dating, and take a breath for a sec.
Step into the shoes of today’s marriage-minded singles:
Be it friends, Hollywood, or life that initiate it, we’re given this idea that sexual and romantic connection are what lead to a marriage relationship. As we desire the unity, partnership, and experience of marriage, we feel pressure to accept that Dating means intimacy and emotional vulnerability with someone we barely know.
Suddenly any preferences we have to guard our physicality, be emotionally diligent, or act in wisdom, place us on the fringe of possibility, and marriage looks like it’ll only come with compromise.
Bugger.
With disillusionment in the air, and our convictions blowing in the breeze, we’re disheartened wondering what to do next.
Enter the perspective shift: Could marriage actually begin with something else?
Over the last fortnight I came across an article, ‘The Promise You Can’t keep in Marriage’ by John Mark Comer.
He distinguished between marrying for happiness, and marrying to help fulfil God’s plan and purpose in your partner’s life; Marrying not only for sex and recreation, but friendship:
“..get married when you see who God is making somebody to be, and it lights you up. When you want to be a part of that story of transformation, that journey to the future. When you are well aware it will be a long and bumpy ride, but you don’t want to miss one mile. Because you believe in God’s calling on them, and you want in.” *
In the midst of Valentine’s Day, which can be so misguided and uncomfortable, Comer disarms all notions about marriage being purely sex-orientated, grounding us in the insight that it can be founded on generous friendship. Go figure.
Intentionally is there, but it’s not so intense.
As you’re inspired by what’s on someone else’s life, you can look at them and think about building a great friendship, supporting them. Then maybe adding romance to mix, then maybe future children. First introductions step down from being “Hi, will you be my husband?”, back to “Hey, want to be friends?”
Accessible.
If marriage and a romantic relationship are something that you’re after, break it down a bit. Don’t let the intimidation of Hollywood ideals (or wherever it is you got them from), be a stumbling block.
Just begin with “Hello.” Begin with friendship. Don’t feel the pressure of this day (or any other), to start from the end and not the beginning.
You might kiss a guy the first time you meet him and be totally fine with that, I’m not trying to be prudish…but what I am trying to say is, if you don’t want to, that’s ok as well.
So, take a moment to have that breath, get The Notebook out of the DVD player, and go make yourself some friends. You never know, by next year one may have morphed in to Ryan Gosling anyway.
*Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/promise-you-cant-keep-marriage#Aq8XkKmGEI3CDtYX.99
